Roommate Resource
So you've moved into Residence, you've half-unpacked your stuff, and you find yourself awkwardly standing across the room from your new roommate. Somehow, starting a conversation with “How about those Dodgers?” doesn't seem like the best first approach.
Adjusting to a new roommate lends itself to a great opportunity in learning how to adapt to new people and appreciating them for their differences. It gives you a chance to experience others' living environments and how they can vary from your own, but it does also bring itself many challenges that will test yourself as a person. Quite often, it will force you to step out from your comfort zone and hopefully allow you to grow as an individual.
One of the first big steps to take in transitioning to your new home is to keep your cool and realize that your roommate is in just as equal of an awkward situation as you are. They probably know just as much about you as you know about them. If you find yourself to be a very sociable, outgoing person, you might want to make the effort to not come off as too overwhelming. Many new students find themselves bottled with insecurity when they move to a new place and are worried about having their own personal space invaded by a perfect stranger.
While the best advice is to not come off too overwhelming to your new roommate, you do want to ensure that you are friendly yet assertive in setting down the rules from the start. Your assertiveness will allow you to maintain an open line of communication; if you're too laidback at the start, it will be hard to change the gears when a situation arises in which you'll have to speak up.
A great first conversation to have is in discussing what your living conditions were like back home. This will give you a good idea about how your roommate is used to living, and will let you know how you may need to adapt or issues you may want to address from the start. If your roommate had his Mommy cleaning up after him all the time, this may be a good sign to you that you will really need to lay down the house rules as to who takes the trash out, who will be doing the dishes and when, and who's planning on vacuuming.
Some important topics to discuss with your roommate include:
• Food and Necessities : If you are sharing food or if you are keeping it completely separate, make sure it is addressed from the beginning what you will be sharing and what you may not. There are so many smaller issues that can snowball into larger problems down the road so make sure you set boundaries for sharing. For instance, you may want to share basic necessities such as milk so that you don't have two cartons souring in your fridge, but you don't want to be eating your roommate's last box of KD that he was so eagerly looking forward to all day. Other necessities to discuss whether you will be sharing include toilet paper, paper towel, dishes & utensils, etc. You wouldn't believe how many small problems escalate from someone not realizing that his roommate didn't want to share toilet paper.
• Bedtime and wake-up routines : Discuss what time your roommate normally wakes up or how late they normally go to bed. If you're a night owl, you won't want to drive your roommate crazy if they're an early-riser and need the sleep.
• Music : You won't believe how annoying the same Justin Timberlake track on repeat can be after awhile, or how much bass can travel through walls. Set boundaries as to when ‘quiet time' could be to turn music down or keeping it off in the room if somebody is studying.
• Studying Hours: Discuss how demanding your programs will be and keep an open line of communication about how often you plan to be studying. Having a conducive space to study is also important, so make sure that is discussed as well.
• Cleaning and Chores : On top of having a good learning space, general duties and responsibilities is a very important talk to have. The biggest thing to sour a Residence experience is having a roommate who doesn't do the dishes or won't take out the trash. Never automatically assume you will be sharing the responsibilities or switching off each time. Quite often a roommate can take advantage of the other's good nature if they see them always taking out the trash. Make sure you discuss that everything is a 50/50 balance to work together, or else you'll be living in Roommate Hell by Thanksgiving.
Guests and Overnight Visitors : Nobody likes those rowdy late-night visitors causing a ruckus against the bedroom wall or from across the room. You know you don't want to hear what affectionate nicknames your roommate's partner uses in the sack, so why would your roommate want to hear it? Ensure that you're being considerate of your roommate's living space also, and that you set out rules from the start about guests, particularly overnight visitors. Your professor isn't going to buy the excuse that you got no sleep the night before because your roommate “got lucky”.
Keeping the communication calm and relaxed is always particularly important when setting down house rules. You also want to make sure you're entering the conversation with an open mind and that you are honestly listening to any of the feedback your roommate shares. Approach all situations with seeing both sides of the story.
A great tip at always keeping a conversation rational is to repeat back any concerns your roommate may be addressing with you. For example, “Allow me to make sure I understand you. You are saying that you feel frustrated because you're having to always take out the trash and that I rarely do the dishes. Is that correct?”
You may feel like you're sounding like the next Freud, but your roommate will appreciate that you are genuinely listening to his or her concerns. Another good question to ask is, “What would you suggest we could do to make arrangements that we'll both be happy with?”
It's easy to just ask your roommate to start taking the trash out more often, but you need to hold him or her accountable for it and meet with them on both ends. Make a schedule of chores and duties that you both can equally agree on to live with. Switching up weeks on who takes out the trash, or agreeing that there's a limit of how many days dishes can stay in the sink before you agree when they need to be cleaned are great examples to create that equal balance.
While there are loop holes that could always be found in schedules that are set, it's also important to never keep the schedule slated in stone and don't be scared that you can't change anything with your roommate. If you're also finding that a schedule isn't working, sit down with your roommate and discuss what new approaches you can take instead to make you both happy. However, it's wise to ensure that any changes made are still something you can hold yourself or your roommate accountable for. A suggested idea is to formulate a roommate contract. The contract will clearly outline what each other's obligations are for all of the aforementioned topics and form an agreement as to what responsibilities each roommate will have. While the idea of a contract may seem a bit over-the-top, it can really work at establishing the house rules without any misunderstandings as to one's expectations.
If you're still finding that chores aren't being done or the cleanliness of your place is slipping, find out how your roommate is doing. There could always be personal issues right now that they are dealing with that also need to be placed in consideration. Make sure you're being an open listener, and are attentive to your roommate's needs. However, also ensure that your roommate isn't using any personal issues as a crutch for true laziness and that you're able to detect the difference when the problems arise. It's always important to take care of yourself first and foremost.
And finally, make sure you confront problems from the start. If you rather decide to let things slide that your roommate is or isn't doing, it will often lead to resentment. If you decide to wait until exam-time when you're at your breaking point with other stresses in your life, you're just going to find yourself more frustrated with the situation you've placed yourself in. By addressing any problems at the start, it gives you the chance to resolve any conflicts and clarify any misunderstandings there may be.
If you're living on-campus and you find that any conflicts you're addressing with your roommate still aren't being resolved, don't forget to use the resources on campus that are available to you. Your resident advisors and Residence Life Coordinator are there listen, discuss your problems, lend feedback, and provide mediation if requested. These resources are always great to have available but are best used if you're finding that your roommate is being unreasonable, or that you need to be coached on how to confront any roommate problems. Coming forth with a roommate request if you haven't done anything to address the problem yourself won't get you anywhere.
Living on-campus is probably one of the biggest transitions a person can make. It will teach you so much about perseverance, boundaries, acceptance, tolerance, and what exactly your breaking point is. By working together to find a common ground, it won't only improve your living conditions, make you a great roommate, but will truly make the most of your college experience.